By Haven Doula Julie McKay
In the midst of supporting families through miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant loss, it can be easy to lose sight of the beauty and joy in life. However, two things can be true; we can hold the grief of the families we support and our own grief along with joy and gratitude. Here are 5 practices that I have incorporated into my life to help me tune into the beauty of life while working as a bereavement doula. I hope some of them resonate with you and that you will create your own practices as well. It is essential that we care for ourselves and not lose sight of the good and beautiful aspects of life as grief workers.
1. Glimmers
You may have heard of glimmers. If you haven’t, you very likely have heard of triggers. Glimmers are the flip side of triggers. I originally heard about them when learning about supporting my own mental health postpartum. Glimmers are all the tiny moments of joy and comfort around us in our everyday lives. They are not meant to be part of toxic positivity. They don’t mean that we have to feel happy all the time (and that would be impossible). The whole concept of glimmers is that we don’t reap the benefits of the little bits of joy and beauty all around us if we don’t tune into them. We can soothe our nervous system and give it cues of safety by noticing glimmers. Our bodies and minds are naturally alert for signs of danger, but we have to consciously work to notice the good things around us. When I’m talking about glimmers, I’m not talking about anything fancy like massages, bubble baths, or treat-your-self gifts. I’m talking about noticing the rain beading up and falling down a car window, the lovely pattern of a snowflake, the warmth of a mug as you wrap your hands around it, the softness of a cat’s fur as you stroke it.
2. Gratitude practices
Adding on to our discussion of glimmers, I find that a gratitude practice makes a big difference for lowering my stress level. I think this one has gotten a lot of attention recently, and it can seem kind of trendy. Making a gratitude list can be an easy way to tune into the little joys of daily life. While you can just make a list in your head, I like writing it down. Otherwise, I find my mind wanders, and I forget to finish my list. Also, it is helpful to look back on my past lists of gratitude when I am having a harder day. I write the numbers 1-5 on my paper and challenge myself to find 5 things I’m grateful for that day. I also like to bring my gratitude practice into my prayer time. You can get creative with this one. You could write on little slips of paper and put them in a jar. You could write them in a note or google doc on your phone.
3. New life
When I am surrounded by grief, I need to connect with new life. This can look a lot of different ways. While I don’t have a green thumb at all, the experience of planting something can be relaxing and connect me to the beauty of being alive. Having fresh flowers on my kitchen table also brings me joy. Spending time with children, especially my own son, is so important for me when I am feeling weighed down by sadness and tragedy. That quality time is valuable for both of us, and young children are so vibrant and brimming with life. You can find ways of connecting with new life that are practical and life-giving for you.
4. Music that evokes joy or comfort
I have been working to include music in my self-care practices. I play music by A Fine Frenzy when I need to feel through grief and sadness. In addition, I know certain music just feels like pulling on a cozy sweatshirt and fuzzy socks. I love music that feels nostalgic and familiar (cue up the Fearless and Speak Now Taylor Swift albums) when I’m having a harder day or feeling a higher level of stress. It promotes a feeling of safety and comfort for me. Music engages a different sense, hearing, than the other self-care practices we’ve discussed so far. Engaging a variety of senses can be grounding. You can create playlists on Spotify or YouTube for yourself for different self-care needs.
5. Fun books
While I am great at generating a huge to-read list for non-fiction books, I have to make a conscious effort to choose fun books. Especially if you are working through your Haven Bereavement Doula certification process, you have plenty of books that you want to read for professional development. If you like reading, I would encourage you to make room in your reading list for books that bring you joy. Memoirs are some of my go-to’s, and I’ve been reading through the Hercule Poirot books by Agatha Christie. You can find what genres of books that you prefer when you need to add a fun book to your reading rotation.
What else would you add to the list? Comment below!
