Category: Uncategorized

By Julie McKay

The holidays can be a time when grief is more proximate. “Proximate grief” refers to certain times when mourners are in closer contact with their grief (Jorgensen 2024). This could be the time shortly after a loss as well as anniversaries, holidays, and moments when a mourner is reminded of the person they lost. What should we know as support people about loss parenting during the holidays? I have developed a short guide, so we can better companion those we serve. 

1. It is ok to take extra space and simplify during the holidays, especially if this is the first set of holidays after a loss.

You may not want to attend some or all holiday events, especially if family members or friends make hurtful comments or are unsupportive in other ways. If you want to attend gatherings and events, it can be helpful to make a plan for who you can call if you need support, how you can get a break (the bathroom, going for a walk, etc.), and how you can take care of yourself.

2. Parenting a child does not end at their death.

While parenting a child who has died will look different from parenting a living child, it is parenting nonetheless. You can incorporate your little one into holiday traditions that you already participate in or create new traditions in honor of your little one. 

3. When deciding how to honor your little one in your holiday celebrations, start small and begin with what you already have.

You don’t need to create new traditions; you can incorporate your little one into your already existing traditions. What are some holiday traditions that your family already participates in? If decorating a Christmas tree is an enjoyable tradition, selecting or making an ornament may make sense. Incorporating remembrance of your little one into already existing traditions can make it more accessible and less energy consuming. It is not even necessary to add something on to already existing holiday rituals. Buying the flowers or plants you always buy for the holiday can be done with the intention of, “This is for my son/daughter. I will think of them when I see it in my home.” Baking a traditional dessert can be done with the intention of remembering and honoring. You don’t need to start from scratch to remember your little one in your holiday traditions. 

4. If you decide to create new traditions, you may find it helpful to play to your strengths.

If you find crafting stressful and unenjoyable, making a stocking, ornament, or other decoration may not be the best idea. Finding something on Etsy or asking a supportive friend or family member who loves crafting to help may be better options. If you love baking, choosing a new dessert to create to specifically honor you little one may be a wonderful option.

5. Just because you do something this year doesn’t mean you have to do it next year.

And just because you did it last year doesn’t mean you have to do it this year. Needs and capacity can change from year to year. That is normal and to be expected, especially when the holidays bring you into closer contact with your grief. Try to be flexible and gentle with your expectations for yourself and those around you. 

I hope this guide helps you better understand parenting after loss during the holiday season. What can we do as grief workers to help support those we serve during the holidays? We can share this guide. We can be a listening ear and help them think through holiday traditions. We can also help parents create a self-care plan and think through what support they’ll need and how they can find it. In addition, a short text on the holidays can be very meaningful. Thank you for your willingness to serve loss families.

Talking about loss is difficult. We want to make it easier for you. Here are three plans for reels you could record for Instagram or TikTok in preparation for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month (October).

Reel 1: Common Experience

Concept: You highlight how common pregnancy loss is.

Plan Ideas:

1. You use visuals of nature or soft, comforting items with text overlay of the script. You use soft or calming music.
2. You use visuals of nature or soft, comforting items with an audio of you speaking the script. You might also use soft or calming music in the background.
3. You record both video and audio of you speaking these words to the camera.

Script:

1. “Today, let’s talk about the unspeakable: pregnancy loss.”
2. “Did you know that about 1 in 4 pregnancies end in loss? It’s a lot more common than many of us may think.”
3. “If you’re a loss parent, remember that you’re not alone.”
4.  “You might find support from loved ones or a professional, such as a grief therapist or a bereavement doula.”
5. “And remember that as your doula, I’ll be here to support you no matter what happens.”

Reel 2: Support Strategies

Concept: You give suggestions for folks who may support someone through a loss.

Plan: You record both video and audio of you speaking these words to the camera.

Script:

1. “Do you know someone who has experienced pregnancy loss? Here’s how to support them.”
2. “Number one. Listen. Often, the best thing you can do is provide a safe space for them to share their feelings.”
3. “Number two. Bring them a meal or drop off groceries. Tasks like food preparation and grocery shopping can be very difficult while grieving.”
4. “Number three. Check in on them regularly. Sometimes, people have almost no support when they experience a pregnancy loss. And sometimes, they have support but that support quickly disappears. We can keep showing up for the loss families in our community.
5. “Your support can make a world of difference. Let’s work together to strengthen our community’s care for loss families.”

Reel 3: Local Resources

Concept: You highlight perinatal loss resources in your community.

Plan Ideas:

1. You record both video and audio of you speaking these words to the camera.
2. You record video of the locations where these resources are (being sure not to include faces or other identifiable features of people in the shot) and overlay your words or the text on top of the video.

Script for a single local resource:

1. “Did you know that we have an amazing resource here in our community for loss families?”
2. “Check out the {insert resource}. This amazing {insert description of resource and explain what it does}.”
3. “If you or someone you know is looking for this type of support, reach out to {insert name of resource} at {contact information}.”

Script for a list of resources:

1. “In honor of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, I want to highlight four amazing resources for loss families in our community.”
2. {insert a quick line for each resource. “The X provides X to X, and you can find them at X”, for example.}
3. “I’m grateful for these partners and the work they do. Let’s all work to make our community stronger in its support for loss families.”

In this blog post, Haven Trained Bereavement Doula Julie McKay answers some questions about what it was like to take the Haven Bereavement Doula Training as someone who had not previously been a doula. We thank Julie for sharing her wisdom, and we hope it helps you discern whether this role is right for you!

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What was it like, taking the Haven Bereavement Doula Training as someone new to the doula world? 

While I was taking the Haven Bereavement Doula training, I felt included in the training even though I am not a birth doula. I knew that my experience and input mattered as much as the seasoned doulas taking the training. At the same time, I was able to learn from the birth doulas about how to be a good doula. Their experience supporting clients and running successful doula businesses helped me think of aspects of being a doula that I wouldn’t have thought of otherwise. It was helpful to be in discussion groups with them, so I could hear their perspective on the different exercises. Abby also took the time to explain the more technical birth-related terms, so those of us who were not birth doulas could understand the examples and scenarios that we discussed during the training. As a result, I didn’t feel left behind or confused during the training.

What did you learn in the training? 

As part of the training, I was able to develop a better understanding of the various roles of a bereavement doula. Before I started the training, I didn’t know the concrete ways that a bereavement doula supports clients. Throughout the course of the training, we spent time learning about and discussing physical, emotional, informational, social, advocacy, philosophical, and spiritual support. I was able to think through what those different aspects of support would look like in various scenarios. In addition, I was able to reflect on what types of support would come more naturally to me and which ones would be more challenging.

During the training, I was able to think through how I would use self-care to support myself as a bereavement doula. I was surprised to learn how common doula burnout is. At the end of each training session, Abby asked us how we were going to take care of ourselves after the session ended. By hearing the other ideas that were shared, I was able to think of different ways I could support myself while being a doula. Even outside the training sessions, I reflected on how grief was showing up in my body, what I needed to process what I was learning, and how I could build support networks for myself.

Why did you decide to become a bereavement doula? 

I am a Creighton Model FertilityCare Practitioner which means that I teach women and couples how to chart their signs of fertility so they can avoid or achieve pregnancy and monitor their fertility. When I first started learning about grief work, I just wanted to know how to support my clients who had a history of perinatal loss or experienced a loss while working with me. While I had had a miscarriage myself, I knew that my own experience couldn’t teach me how to support every loss parent. I set out to learn more and realized along the way that I wanted to find other ways to support loss families. So I started co-facilitating Bereaved Parents Community Group. I’m not sure where this journey will take me, but I’m looking forward to further discerning what grief work will look like for me.

What advice do you have for non-doulas who are considering becoming a Haven Certified Bereavement Doula? 

Try not to feel intimidated by the process of becoming a bereavement doula. Take it one step at a time. Taking the Haven Bereavement Doula training was a very helpful step for me. Everyone, birth doulas and those new to doula work, is taking the training to learn how to better support loss families. Your input and insight matter, so don’t be afraid to share and ask questions. You will learn a great deal from Abby and from the other participants. Once you have completed the training, tackle the certification process piece by piece. Each part of the certification process will help you become a better bereavement doula and discern how you can serve loss families.