Author: abbythesociologistdoula@gmail.com

5 things to know about the holidays and parenting after a loss

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By Julie McKay

The holidays can be a time when grief is more proximate. “Proximate grief” refers to certain times when mourners are in closer contact with their grief (Jorgensen 2024). This could be the time shortly after a loss as well as anniversaries, holidays, and moments when a mourner is reminded of the person they lost. What should we know as support people about loss parenting during the holidays? I have developed a short guide, so we can better companion those we serve. 

1. It is ok to take extra space and simplify during the holidays, especially if this is the first set of holidays after a loss.

You may not want to attend some or all holiday events, especially if family members or friends make hurtful comments or are unsupportive in other ways. If you want to attend gatherings and events, it can be helpful to make a plan for who you can call if you need support, how you can get a break (the bathroom, going for a walk, etc.), and how you can take care of yourself.

2. Parenting a child does not end at their death.

While parenting a child who has died will look different from parenting a living child, it is parenting nonetheless. You can incorporate your little one into holiday traditions that you already participate in or create new traditions in honor of your little one. 

3. When deciding how to honor your little one in your holiday celebrations, start small and begin with what you already have.

You don’t need to create new traditions; you can incorporate your little one into your already existing traditions. What are some holiday traditions that your family already participates in? If decorating a Christmas tree is an enjoyable tradition, selecting or making an ornament may make sense. Incorporating remembrance of your little one into already existing traditions can make it more accessible and less energy consuming. It is not even necessary to add something on to already existing holiday rituals. Buying the flowers or plants you always buy for the holiday can be done with the intention of, “This is for my son/daughter. I will think of them when I see it in my home.” Baking a traditional dessert can be done with the intention of remembering and honoring. You don’t need to start from scratch to remember your little one in your holiday traditions. 

4. If you decide to create new traditions, you may find it helpful to play to your strengths.

If you find crafting stressful and unenjoyable, making a stocking, ornament, or other decoration may not be the best idea. Finding something on Etsy or asking a supportive friend or family member who loves crafting to help may be better options. If you love baking, choosing a new dessert to create to specifically honor you little one may be a wonderful option.

5. Just because you do something this year doesn’t mean you have to do it next year.

And just because you did it last year doesn’t mean you have to do it this year. Needs and capacity can change from year to year. That is normal and to be expected, especially when the holidays bring you into closer contact with your grief. Try to be flexible and gentle with your expectations for yourself and those around you. 

I hope this guide helps you better understand parenting after loss during the holiday season. What can we do as grief workers to help support those we serve during the holidays? We can share this guide. We can be a listening ear and help them think through holiday traditions. We can also help parents create a self-care plan and think through what support they’ll need and how they can find it. In addition, a short text on the holidays can be very meaningful. Thank you for your willingness to serve loss families.

Download these tips in PDF form
Photo by Chad Madden on Unsplash

The 2025 Haven Book Clubs

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The 2025 Haven Book Club meetings are CURRENTLY ON SALE!

Get three book clubs for the price of two!

If you love to learn, to read, and/or to discuss tough topics with thoughtful people,

this book club is for you.

You do not need to be a bereavement doula to join. Everyone is welcome to join in these warm, heartfelt, engaging discussions on books about grief.

These meetings take place via Zoom on Wednesday nights from 7pm-8:15pm Central.

We will be reading the following books next year:

March: A Catholic Guide to Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Infant Loss: Compassionate answers to difficult questions (with private author q&a)
June: The Grieving Brain: the surprising science of how we learn from love and loss
November: selections from What God is Honored Here? Writings on miscarriage and infant loss by and for Native women and Women of Color (with private editor q&a)

Book clubs cost $15 each. But, in honor of Small Business Saturday, you can purchase entry to all three book clubs of 2025 for the cost of just two of them.

Sign up here!

Deal ends December 7.

5 ways to cultivate joy while doing grief work

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By Haven Doula Julie McKay

In the midst of supporting families through miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant loss, it can be easy to lose sight of the beauty and joy in life. However, two things can be true; we can hold the grief of the families we support and our own grief along with joy and gratitude. Here are 5 practices that I have incorporated into my life to help me tune into the beauty of life while working as a bereavement doula. I hope some of them resonate with you and that you will create your own practices as well. It is essential that we care for ourselves and not lose sight of the good and beautiful aspects of life as grief workers.

1. Glimmers

You may have heard of glimmers. If you haven’t, you very likely have heard of triggers. Glimmers are the flip side of triggers. I originally heard about them when learning about supporting my own mental health postpartum. Glimmers are all the tiny moments of joy and comfort around us in our everyday lives. They are not meant to be part of toxic positivity. They don’t mean that we have to feel happy all the time (and that would be impossible). The whole concept of glimmers is that we don’t reap the benefits of the little bits of joy and beauty all around us if we don’t tune into them. We can soothe our nervous system and give it cues of safety by noticing glimmers. Our bodies and minds are naturally alert for signs of danger, but we have to consciously work to notice the good things around us. When I’m talking about glimmers, I’m not talking about anything fancy like massages, bubble baths, or treat-your-self gifts. I’m talking about noticing the rain beading up and falling down a car window, the lovely pattern of a snowflake, the warmth of a mug as you wrap your hands around it, the softness of a cat’s fur as you stroke it. 

2. Gratitude practices

Adding on to our discussion of glimmers, I find that a gratitude practice makes a big difference for lowering my stress level. I think this one has gotten a lot of attention recently, and it can seem kind of trendy. Making a gratitude list can be an easy way to tune into the little joys of daily life.  While you can just make a list in your head, I like writing it down. Otherwise, I find my mind wanders, and I forget to finish my list. Also, it is helpful to look back on my past lists of gratitude when I am having a harder day. I write the numbers 1-5 on my paper and challenge myself to find 5 things I’m grateful for that day. I also like to bring my gratitude practice into my prayer time. You can get creative with this one. You could write on little slips of paper and put them in a jar. You could write them in a note or google doc on your phone. 

Photo by Mitchell Hartley on Unsplash

3. New life

When I am surrounded by grief, I need to connect with new life. This can look a lot of different ways. While I don’t have a green thumb at all, the experience of planting something can be relaxing and connect me to the beauty of being alive. Having fresh flowers on my kitchen table also brings me joy. Spending time with children, especially my own son, is so important for me when I am feeling weighed down by sadness and tragedy. That quality time is valuable for both of us, and young children are so vibrant and brimming with life. You can find ways of connecting with new life that are practical and life-giving for you.

4. Music that evokes joy or comfort

I have been working to include music in my self-care practices. I play music by A Fine Frenzy when I need to feel through grief and sadness. In addition, I know certain music just feels like pulling on a cozy sweatshirt and fuzzy socks. I love music that feels nostalgic and familiar (cue up the Fearless and Speak Now Taylor Swift albums) when I’m having a harder day or feeling a higher level of stress. It promotes a feeling of safety and comfort for me. Music engages a different sense, hearing, than the other self-care practices we’ve discussed so far. Engaging a variety of senses can be grounding. You can create playlists on Spotify or YouTube for yourself for different self-care needs.

5. Fun books

While I am great at generating a huge to-read list for non-fiction books, I have to make a conscious effort to choose fun books. Especially if you are working through your Haven Bereavement Doula certification process, you have plenty of books that you want to read for professional development. If you like reading, I would encourage you to make room in your reading list for books that bring you joy. Memoirs are some of my go-to’s, and I’ve been reading through the Hercule Poirot books by Agatha Christie. You can find what genres of books that you prefer when you need to add a fun book to your reading rotation. 

What else would you add to the list? Comment below!

Haven Doula Spotlight: TaKiesha Smith

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In this spotlight, we feature Haven doula TaKiesha Smith in Fishers, IN. TaKiesha is the owner of NeuroSpicy Birth.

Why did you decide to become a bereavement doula?

As a doula, you know that it’s not a matter of if you will have a loss client but when. Knowing this, I wanted to be prepared for when this happened. I wanted to be better prepared to serve my clients’ needs. In the process, I discovered that the class translates to more than loss tools. I gained a better understanding of different types of interpersonal communication. 

Photo courtesy of TaKiesha Smith

Why did you decide to take a Haven Bereavement Doula training?

After taking a different training, I wanted something that would give me a broader knowledge base. I wanted to feel equipped to walk alongside a loss parent comfortably and know that I can help, not harm. This course gave me those tools and so many more. It was so much more than a playbook of what to say and what not to say; it taught me to examine the why and how.  I approach loss (not just infant loss) differently now. I will be forever grateful for the things I learned in the course; I know it has made me a better doula, lactation counselor, and community advocate.

How do you bring together the work you do with neurospicy folks and your bereavement work?

The emotional reactions of loss are already difficult but add in the complexity of neurodivergence, and it exposes a gap that needs special attention to bridge the emotional divide. With advocacy, Count the Kicks is a Still Birth Prevention program; however, the reality is that Indiana is the tenth in the nation for infant mortality. Until we improve as a nation at saving babies, my work at CTK with spreading awareness through our app is needed. 

What does serving as a bereavement doula look like for you right now?

It is a tool I am using now more than I thought I would. I am working in a local hospital with a large population that currently has a high infant mortality rate. So, my clients may not be going through a loss at the moment, but they still carry the emotional scars of that loss with them. Using the tools I learned in training, I can meet them where they are, interact with empathy and openness, and walk away knowing that I did the best I could do for that family, 

How else do you serve your community?

I am the current Indiana State Ambassador for Count the Kicks, a stillbirth prevention program. I am also the communications chair for the Indiana Breast Feeding Coalition, a not-for-profit organization that promotes breastfeeding awareness and education in Indiana.  

Photo courtesy of TaKiesha Smith

What is one thing that you like to do to take care of yourself?

I am a huge reader. I read every night before bed. It is my way of escaping somewhere different or experiencing a new adventure.  

Do you have any advice for anyone considering becoming a bereavement doula?

It is not scary. Elyse Meyers says, “to do it scared,” I have adopted that in my life practice. But honestly, the idea of learning how to work with someone who has suffered a loss seems scary. In reality, they are just another population that needs care. Learning the skills to help them emotionally get through is a gift you can give someone during a tough time. 

Reels to record for pregnancy loss awareness

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Talking about loss is difficult. We want to make it easier for you. Here are three plans for reels you could record for Instagram or TikTok in preparation for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month (October).

Reel 1: Common Experience

Concept: You highlight how common pregnancy loss is.

Plan Ideas:

  1. You use visuals of nature or soft, comforting items with text overlay of the script. You use soft or calming music.
  2. You use visuals of nature or soft, comforting items with an audio of you speaking the script. You might also use soft or calming music in the background.
  3. You record both video and audio of you speaking these words to the camera.

Script:

  1. “Today, let’s talk about the unspeakable: pregnancy loss.”
  2. “Did you know that about 1 in 4 pregnancies end in loss? It’s a lot more common than many of us may think.”
  3. “If you’re a loss parent, remember that you’re not alone.”
  4.  “You might find support from loved ones or a professional, such as a grief therapist or a bereavement doula.”
  5. “And remember that as your doula, I’ll be here to support you no matter what happens.”

Reel 2: Support Strategies

Concept: You give suggestions for folks who may support someone through a loss.

Plan: You record both video and audio of you speaking these words to the camera.

Script:

  1. “Do you know someone who has experienced pregnancy loss? Here’s how to support them.”
  2. “Number one. Listen. Often, the best thing you can do is provide a safe space for them to share their feelings.”
  3. “Number two. Bring them a meal or drop off groceries. Tasks like food preparation and grocery shopping can be very difficult while grieving.”
  4. “Number three. Check in on them regularly. Sometimes, people have almost no support when they experience a pregnancy loss. And sometimes, they have support but that support quickly disappears. We can keep showing up for the loss families in our community.
  5. “Your support can make a world of difference. Let’s work together to strengthen our community’s care for loss families.”

Reel 3: Local Resources

Concept: You highlight perinatal loss resources in your community.

Plan Ideas:

  1. You record both video and audio of you speaking these words to the camera.
  2. You record video of the locations where these resources are (being sure not to include faces or other identifiable features of people in the shot) and overlay your words or the text on top of the video.

Script for a single local resource:

  1. “Did you know that we have an amazing resource here in our community for loss families?”
  2. “Check out the {insert resource}. This amazing {insert description of resource and explain what it does}.”
  3. “If you or someone you know is looking for this type of support, reach out to {insert name of resource} at {contact information}.”

Script for a list of resources:

  1. “In honor of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, I want to highlight four amazing resources for loss families in our community.”
  2. {insert a quick line for each resource. “The X provides X to X, and you can find them at X”, for example.}
  3. “I’m grateful for these partners and the work they do. Let’s all work to make our community stronger in its support for loss families.”

Haven Doula Spotlight: Erica Lane

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Why did you decide to become a bereavement doula?

Being a birth doula, I will admit that I didn’t think that I would be faced with a baby born sleeping at all, let alone so quickly in my career. Although of course no one is prepared for this, it happens. Although I feel I handled that birth as best as I could, I feel as though if I had more training, I could have done something different, said something better, and feel more confident about what happened. Because of how I handled that birth, I realized there was more in me than I realized, and there was a calling for me to be in this space. 

Why did you decide to take a Haven Bereavement Doula training or become an HCBD Haven Certified Bereavement Doula?

I met Abby through her coming to speak at birth doula training. I was so intrigued by her bravery to do this work, her heart to serve, and compassion behind how she speaks about this beautiful work. She spoke so highly of being a bereavement doula and how she supports clients, I really felt training under her would be the best decision for me.

Although I have yet to certify, I plan to. 

What does serving as a bereavement doula look like for you right now?

Support. Simply put. No one wants to ever think of being in the position to have a bereavement doula; however, the fact remains that there will always be babies born sleeping. I just want to be equipped to support clients in this delicate space. 

How else do you serve your community? 

I am a childbirth educator, I am also a Community Based Doula Trainer.

What is one thing that you like to do to take care of yourself? 

Massage! It is a MUST. I also enjoy reading in my big sweat pants and just relaxing. 

Do you have any advice for anyone who is considering becoming a bereavement doula? (Maybe especially if they’re already a live birth doula like you were before taking the training) 

I think every doula should consider not necessarily becoming a bereavement doula; however, they should consider being bereavement trained. Yes, we want babies to be born healthy, but that is not always the case. As we know, there may never be a reason why a baby is born sleeping, but doulas should always be prepared. If they see that they do handle the situation with “ease” and care, maybe they should consider adding bereavement as something they do take on. It is not easy, but it’s NEEDED.  

To learn more about Erica and her work, you can visit her website at Labor of Love: Doula Care. Birth Doula in Columbus, Ohio (laboroflovedoulacare.com).

Social Media Templates

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It’s difficult to talk about loss on social media,

but you don’t have to start from scratch.

We have templates available for several different groups of folks, to equip you to talk about things that are often considered unspeakable.

Everyone, here’s a template of thirty posts to start the conversation about miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant loss. ($19)

Birth workers, here’s a template of posts for 2024, highlighting different recognitions or occasions throughout the year. ($19)

Birth workers, here’s a template of posts for each day in October, which is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. ($19)

Catholic parishes and dioceses, here’s a template of posts for each week in October, which is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. This is free; just let us know what email address to send it to.

Have a question about something else? Send us an email at abbythesociologistdoula.com.

Prepared Presence 2024

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If you’re a birthworker looking for strategies to talk more about loss on your online presence,

We’ve got you.

Come join our free 5-day mini course, Prepared Presence 2024, September 16-20. Each day, you’ll get access to a short video with instructions for a 10-minute activity designed to help make your online presence more welcoming and supportive of loss families.

Join us for free here!

Sign up for Prepared Presence 2024

What’s the difference between a bereavement doula and a death doula?

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Did you know that bereavement doulas and death doulas actually hold different professions?

The support these different types of doulas provide is very similar: emotional, spiritual, and physical care, along with advocacy and communication support. The social support they offer may differ a bit (death doulas may focus on family of the loved one, while bereavement doulas may focus more on community members), but even this general type of support is shared.

The main difference is in whom they serve.

A bereavement doula typically focuses on working with families who have experienced a perinatal loss (a miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant loss).

Whereas, a death doula or end-of-life doula typically works with individuals who are dying, while also supporting their families. These individuals are typically older (that is, not embryos, fetuses, or infants).

A second difference is timing of services.

While death doulas typically work with a client leading up to and through their death and perhaps will continue working with their family for some time after their death, bereavement doulas may work with clients even decades after the loss of their little one.

Both of these roles are incredibly important.

Here at Haven Bereavement Doulas, we specialize in helping folks better support families experiencing perinatal loss. If you are considering becoming a death doula, we cheer you on and thank you for your work! If you’re considering becoming a bereavement doula, check out our resources at this link.

Haven Doula Spotlight: Julie McKay

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In this spotlight, we feature Julie McKay, a Haven-trained bereavement doula in Michigan and the Creative Director of Haven Bereavement Doulas.

Why did you decide to become a bereavement doula?

As a FertilityCare Practitioner helping women and couples to chart their cycles, I worked with women and couples who had experienced perinatal loss in the past or while I was teaching them. Even though I had experienced a loss myself, I knew my own experience didn’t provide me with the skills and knowledge that I needed to support my clients. Initially, I took Holding Space for Pregnancy Loss through the Institute for Birth, Breath, and Death. Then I began co-facilitating Bereaved Parents Community Group with Abby. I still felt like I needed more practical skills and knowledge to support loss parents, so I decided to become a bereavement doula.

Why did you decide to take a Haven Bereavement Doula training?

After taking the Holding Space for Pregnancy Loss training, I felt more equipped to support loss parents, but I still wanted to learn more and support loss families in different ways. I needed more practical skills and knowledge, so I decided to take the Haven Bereavement Doula training. Learning about the varied ways that bereavement doulas support loss families (physically, emotionally, spiritually and philosophically, advocationally, informationally, and socially) was particularly helpful. At this stage in my life, I am unable to do on-call work, so discovering concrete ways that I do bereavement work right now was very useful and encouraging. I am working towards becoming a Haven Certified Bereavement Doula because I want to strengthen my skills as a bereavement doula and expand my knowledge of grief work. 

What does serving as a bereavement doula look like for you right now?

I am currently the Creative Director of Haven Bereavement Doulas. As the Creative Director, I create visual and written content that aligns with our mission and the Haven Bereavement Doula brand. In addition, I co-facilitate Bereaved Parents Community Group, a virtual gathering space for parents who have experienced a miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant loss. I also write about how we can better support and serve loss families. You can find my writing at julierosemckay.com. 

How else do you serve your community? 

I currently serve my community as a FertilityCare Practitioner, teaching women and couples to chart their cycles. I also lead my local peer-to-peer babywearing group. 

What is one thing that you like to do to take care of yourself? 

I really enjoy making my own kombucha. I have to bottle it and add fresh tea every week, so it keeps me accountable to making it regularly. I find the process of bottling the kombucha and preparing the new tea soothing with its set process. In the midst of being in proximity to grief, caring for living things, whether it is a SCOBY or my cat, is a helpful self-care strategy for me. When I’m in the mood to flavor it, I enjoy the additional creative aspect. I like to sip kombucha as one of my regulating tools. The strong flavor and bubbly nature of kombucha helps me tune into my senses and my body, so I can feel more grounded. 

 Do you have any advice for anyone who is considering becoming a bereavement doula?

I would tell them that you don’t have to do on-call work to be a bereavement doula. Abby has a wonderful list of all of the other ways that you can be a bereavement doula. Advocacy work for loss families is needed and important work. You are no less a bereavement doula if this is the type of support you want to offer. I’d also say you don’t have to be a birth doula to become a bereavement doula. I am not birth doula and have written about my experience taking the Haven Bereavement Doula training as a non-doula if you want to learn more.  

How to work as a bereavement doula when you can’t live life on call

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Haven Bereavement Doulas may live on-call lifestyles for clients who are pregnant or recently postpartum, but we also do bereavement doula work that does not involve being on call. So, if you’re considering becoming a bereavement doula but life on call doesn’t sound like it will work for you right now, know that bereavement doula work may still be for you.

One of the major roles we as Haven Bereavement Doulas play is the role of advocate. In our training, we talk about different ways to fulfill all of our roles; in this blog post, I want to share with you just a few ideas for advocacy work that don’t involve being on call:

  • Start a bereaved parents community group in your area. 
  • Host conversations about death or perinatal loss in your community (maybe even specifically for birth workers).
  • Help put together a Wave of Light, Memorial Walk, or other event to commemorate little ones who die young (this may especially be tied to October’s observance of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month).
  • Create a shared resource list for your area of bereavement support providers and grief-informed folks.
  • Write blog posts or social media posts about loss and loss support.
  • Write grants for bereavement support in conjunction with your local non-profits. 
  • Write to local non-profits about the need for financial support for loss families in your area. (i.e., ask the Knights of Columbus to consider creating a perinatal loss funeral fund).
  • Advocate for better workplace policies around bereavement leave. 
  • Work with local artists to do gallery shows or art fairs in honor of little ones who have died. 
  • Help your local hospital raise money for a Cuddle Cot. 
  • Organize a peer support group in your community for loss parents. 
  • Speak in your community about perinatal loss.
  • Invite a speaker to give a presentation to your community about perinatal loss. 
  • Equip other providers in your area to be more grief-informed, perhaps through helping them to take a Haven Bereavement Doula training (lactation consultants, photographers, keepsake jewelry makers, nurses, OBs, chaplains, other doulas, etc.). 
  • Work with your local library to increase the number of grief support books they have available. Sometimes, you can donate a book, but you can almost always recommend a purchase.
  • Offer to speak with clergy and spiritual leaders in your area about the spiritual needs families may have after loss. 

Do you have more ideas? Comment below!

Are you ready to jump into this work? Sign up for a training now!

Haven Doula Spotlight: Br. Bobby McFadden

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In this spotlight, we feature Br. Bobby McFadden, Haven-trained bereavement doula in South Bend, Indiana.

Br. Bobby, why did you decide to become a bereavement doula?

I decided to become a bereavement doula, because I wanted to accompany those who experienced miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant loss. Before becoming a bereavement doula, I had worked with some families who had experienced these trials. While I was able to accompany them, I knew that I needed skills to become better grief-informed.

I also have felt that this has been a big part of my vocation. We are all called to provide the hope of God’s unconditional love to others. Before becoming a bereavement doula, I was already living out this call by serving graduate students as a chaplain and many students as a college professor. I believe that God has called me to accompany others who experience such loss.

Why did you decide to take a Haven Bereavement Doula training? 

I decided to become a Haven Bereavement Doula because I wanted to be trained and to be certified in a holistic way. Through my Haven Bereavement Doula training, I was able to explore how I can accompany loss families physically, emotionally, spiritually, and philosophically.  Haven Bereavement Doulas are meant to be a beacon of hope and a sanctuary for loss families, where they can experience healing and love during a very difficult time for them. I want to be this source of hope for loss families, and I know that as a Haven Bereavement Doula, I could receive such training in order to be a source of hope. 

What does serving as a bereavement doula look like for you right now?

Currently, I am serving as a bereavement doula in three ways.

First, I accompany students who may be experiencing loss at the University of Notre Dame.

Second, I try to help my students to become more grief-informed both in terms of my advising and my role as advisor in the Saints for Life club at Holy Cross College.

Third, I am currently researching what the Catholic Intellectual Tradition says about the accompaniment of loss families. In particular, I am exploring St. Augustine and the relationship which he had with his family, and how he dealt with the loss of his son. In my academic work, I to explore his notion of hope and the unconditional love of Christ to think about how we as ministers and doulas might better experience the love of Christ in times of grief.

How else do you serve your community? 

I serve my community in two other ways.

First, I am a professor of theology and literature at Holy Cross College. I teach courses on literature, theology, and writing. In my teaching, I try to help my students to explore those enduring human questions which tug at our human heart and mind. I wish my students to see the value of the intellectual life and develop a philosophical habit of mind, where students can view all aspects of a question and work toward finding the Truth. In the words of Basil Moreau, I hope to bring students to completeness, since we are about the work of the Resurrection.

Second, I am a chaplain for graduate students, professional students, and post-docs at the University of Notre Dame. I help to coordinate Mass for these students and other opportunities for prayer and fellowship. I accompany these students in whatever way they can by serving as a spiritual and mental resource.

What is one thing that you like to do to take care of yourself?

One thing that I look to do to take care of myself is to read! I like to read theology, philosophy, sci/fantasy novels, British literature, Catholic novelists, and Southern literature. Although I am a scholar and I do reading in my day job, I think that it is really important to make sure that we attend to all aspects of our being. This includes not only being connected to our reason, but also our imaginations. I love entering worlds which are not my own, and joining with others on all sorts of adventures! When I read a good theological work, a philosophical treatise, or novel, I am entering into conversations with others. This makes me feel very connected to others, and I find it very relaxing!

Do you have any advice for anyone who is considering becoming a bereavement doula? (perhaps especially men, clergy, etc.) 

Although my advice would apply to anyone who is considering becoming a bereavement doula, I think that this especially applies to men and clergy/religious. When I became a bereavement doula, I received a sticker which read “listening is an act of beauty and an act of justice.” I liked this phrase, because I think that doulas who are men and clergy/religious must remember that they possess this one skill above all else: listening.

Bereavement doulas will encounter in their ministry real human beings who have their own story of grief to tell. As men and clergy/religious, we must remain humble and remember that we cannot do not everything. In particular, we will often be called to walk with women who are experiencing loss, and we must be willing to provide them particularly the space to tell their stories, since they are experiencing their loss from their own unique vantage point. There is a lot of mistrust of men and clergy/religious in this world, and some of this has been unfortunately rightly earned. In order to counter this and bring the hope of Christ’s unconditional love to loss families, there is nothing more just and nothing more beautiful than providing someone a sanctuary by giving them the space to speak about their loss by listening.

We all want to know that we are loved and we want to be loved. We want those whom we lose to be seen and to be loved as well. As bereavement doulas, we can offer this simple human gift to loss families by remaining humble and justly serving them by helping to give them a voice to speak.  

We thank Br. Bobby for his reflection and his work!

For more information about becoming a bereavement doula, check out our guide here.

How to add a funeral home to your resource list

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One of the most helpful resources for many families is their local funeral home. I’ve made you a guide for how to get in touch with your local funeral home and find out what resources they offer. 

Step 1: look up the legal requirements for funeral home involvement.
There are usually state or federal requirements for at what gestational age a funeral home legally must be involved in order for families to have access to their little one’s remains. Do an internet search for key terms such as “legal requirement funeral home fetal remains [insert your country or state here]” to learn what those requirements are for the families you serve.

Step 2: look up what funeral homes serve folks in your area.
This is usually pretty easy to find from an internet search.

Step 3: scan their websites for any mention of perinatal loss.
Most funeral homes don’t post about perinatal loss, even if they have extra resources specifically for families facing the loss of a child. 

Step 4: call or email each funeral home to ask about resources in cases of perinatal loss.

Here is a script for you: 
“Hi, my name is Abby, and I’m a birth doula here in (state your town or neighborhood). I’m working on a resource list for families who experience miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant loss, and I wanted to ask what kinds of services or resources you have for families in that situation.” And if it’s an email, you can end with: “Thank you for your help!” 

Some resources you might expect to hear about would include miscarriage burial/cremation options (i.e., options for when a baby’s body is very small or is not identifiable), liaison services with the local hospitals (which are legally required in some states at certain gestational ages), financial support for families in paying for funerals (either from the funeral home or from local partners), and local cemeteries or other place of burial available for babies. 

You may want to ask specifically about past experiences the funeral home staff has had supporting families through perinatal loss. In my experience, almost every funeral home I’ve worked with has been compassionate and tender, but some have been more informed about perinatal loss than others. 

Step 5: record what resources are available so you know and can communicate them to families as needed. 

***

I know that this type of resource-gathering is new for a lot of folks. I hope this guide makes it a bit less intimidating. Let me know how it goes!

-Abby

Taking the Haven Bereavement Doula Training as a Non-Doula

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In this blog post, Haven Trained Bereavement Doula Julie McKay answers some questions about what it was like to take the Haven Bereavement Doula Training as someone who had not previously been a doula. We thank Julie for sharing her wisdom, and we hope it helps you discern whether this role is right for you!

What was it like, taking the Haven Bereavement Doula Training as someone new to the doula world? 

While I was taking the Haven Bereavement Doula training, I felt included in the training even though I am not a birth doula. I knew that my experience and input mattered as much as the seasoned doulas taking the training. At the same time, I was able to learn from the birth doulas about how to be a good doula. Their experience supporting clients and running successful doula businesses helped me think of aspects of being a doula that I wouldn’t have thought of otherwise. It was helpful to be in discussion groups with them, so I could hear their perspective on the different exercises. Abby also took the time to explain the more technical birth-related terms, so those of us who were not birth doulas could understand the examples and scenarios that we discussed during the training. As a result, I didn’t feel left behind or confused during the training.

What did you learn in the training? 

As part of the training, I was able to develop a better understanding of the various roles of a bereavement doula. Before I started the training, I didn’t know the concrete ways that a bereavement doula supports clients. Throughout the course of the training, we spent time learning about and discussing physical, emotional, informational, social, advocacy, philosophical, and spiritual support. I was able to think through what those different aspects of support would look like in various scenarios. In addition, I was able to reflect on what types of support would come more naturally to me and which ones would be more challenging.

During the training, I was able to think through how I would use self-care to support myself as a bereavement doula. I was surprised to learn how common doula burnout is. At the end of each training session, Abby asked us how we were going to take care of ourselves after the session ended. By hearing the other ideas that were shared, I was able to think of different ways I could support myself while being a doula. Even outside the training sessions, I reflected on how grief was showing up in my body, what I needed to process what I was learning, and how I could build support networks for myself.

Why did you decide to become a bereavement doula? 

I am a Creighton Model FertilityCare Practitioner which means that I teach women and couples how to chart their signs of fertility so they can avoid or achieve pregnancy and monitor their fertility. When I first started learning about grief work, I just wanted to know how to support my clients who had a history of perinatal loss or experienced a loss while working with me. While I had had a miscarriage myself, I knew that my own experience couldn’t teach me how to support every loss parent. I set out to learn more and realized along the way that I wanted to find other ways to support loss families. So I started co-facilitating Bereaved Parents Community Group. I’m not sure where this journey will take me, but I’m looking forward to further discerning what grief work will look like for me.

What advice do you have for non-doulas who are considering becoming a Haven Certified Bereavement Doula? 

Try not to feel intimidated by the process of becoming a bereavement doula. Take it one step at a time. Taking the Haven Bereavement Doula training was a very helpful step for me. Everyone, birth doulas and those new to doula work, is taking the training to learn how to better support loss families. Your input and insight matter, so don’t be afraid to share and ask questions. You will learn a great deal from Abby and from the other participants. Once you have completed the training, tackle the certification process piece by piece. Each part of the certification process will help you become a better bereavement doula and discern how you can serve loss families. 

Summer 2024 Book Club: The Myth of the Perfect Pregnancy

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We are eager to announce that the Haven Bereavement Doula summer book club will meet to discuss The Myth of the Perfect Pregnancy: A History of Miscarriage in America.

On Wednesday nights (July 10, 17, and 24), from 7pm-8:15pm Central, we will meet over Zoom to discuss the introduction through Chapter 4 (July 10), to discuss Chapter 5 through the conclusion (July 17), and to have an intimate q&a session with author, Dr. Lara Freidenfelds (July 24).

You can register at the link below.

The cost for the book club covers the speaker fee for the author; it does NOT include the book. Check your local library for a free copy!

If you are working toward becoming an HCBD Haven Certified Bereavement Doula, recall that this book fulfills one of your required reading list sections!

Join the book club

Why you should – or should not – become an HCBD Haven Certified Bereavement Doula

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Do not become an HCBD Haven Certified Bereavement Doula if:

  • You want to coach, direct, or lead people through their grief. As HCBD Haven Certified Bereavement Doulas, we follow the best practices of grief work and take a companioning approach to grief.
  • You are not yet a doula and are planning to take only expected live birth doula clients. This course will not focus on such births other than in the context of anticipated infant loss and, frankly, will therefore not prepare you very well.
    • Haven Bereavement Doulas does offer trainings for expected live birth doulas who want to strengthen their loss support skills but are not planning to specialize in bereavement support. Look into our 3-hour Caring for Clients through Loss training.
  • You want a certification or credential solely for use with insurance companies. As many insurance companies still do not provide benefits to families who experience a loss, especially before viability, pursuing insurance accreditation is not currently our primary goal.

If these descriptions don’t apply to you, read on:

  • Join us if you’re passionate about making the world a more supportive place for loss families.
  • If you’re already a doula, strengthen your skills through our training if you want to level up your support for doula clients, incorporating bereavement support as a specialization.
  • Use our comprehensive training to prepare yourself to take on the roles of both a birthworker and a griefworker, if you are not currently a doula but you want to become exclusively a bereavement doula.

Check out our How To page for more information about taking your next steps toward becoming an HCBD Haven Certified Bereavement Doula.

The HCBD Haven Certified Bereavement Doula Reading List

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Like many other doula certification programs, ours has a reading list. We provide it here so that everyone who is looking for resources on bereavement support can engage with them, whether you’re currently part of our program or not!

Find this list at the St. Louis Public Library here.

Category 1: Birth Education

HCBD Haven Certified Bereavement Doula candidates read The Birth Partner by Penny Simkin. Candidates who have already read The Birth Partner are encouraged to revisit it, through re-reading or through skimming, and consider how the material can be reinterpreted specifically for bereavement births.

Category 2: Grief Education

HCBD Haven Certified Bereavement Doula candidates read Counseling Skills for Companioning the Mourner by Dr. Alan Wolfelt.

Category 3: Cultural Competency – Race

HCBD Haven Certified Bereavement Doula candidates read What God is Honored Here? Writings on Miscarriage and Infant Loss by and for Native Women and Women of Color, an anthology edited by Shannon Gibney and Kao Kalia Yang.

Category 4: Cultural Competency – Spirituality

HCBD Haven Certified Bereavement Doula candidates choose one of the following books to read for certification:

Category 5: History of Birth/Loss Support

HCBD Haven Certified Bereavement Doula candidates read a book specific to the history of loss in their current context (i.e., most U.S.-based candidates read The Myth of the Perfect Pregnancy: A History of Miscarriage in America by Lara Freidenfelds).

Category 6: Children’s Books

Children’s books can be powerful tools, both for children and adults. HCBD Haven Certified Bereavement Doula candidates choose any two of these children’s books to review.

Category 7: Business Strategy and Ethics

HCBD Haven Certified Bereavement Doula candidates read “The Bereavement Doula’s Business Manual” by Dr. Abby Jorgensen. This is available to candidates at no extra cost.

5 reasons why every doula should strengthen their bereavement support skills

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Not every doula should become a bereavement doula.

But you should strengthen your bereavement support skills anyway.

Here are five reasons why:

  1. You’re going to support families through bereavement, whether you want to or not. If you do this work long enough, you are going to encounter miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant loss. For some of us, it’s at our first birth. For others, it’s our one hundredth birth. But perinatal loss is the reality that many families face, so as a doula, it’s only a matter of time before you will face it as well.
  2. If you’re going to provide bereavement support, it’s important to do it well. We can do a lot of damage when we guess or pretend we know things. That’s true in any support role; it may be especially true when we support someone through grief.
  3. Families who have experienced a loss previously may be looking for a doula – and you can demonstrate your commitment to them and other loss families through your grief-informed practice. Families expecting after a loss may specifically seek someone who has an idea of what they’ve gone through – and is ready and willing to help them with the emotions, difficulties, and joys of a rainbow pregnancy.
  4. You’re most ready to support a family through a loss or after a loss if you’ve prepared for it. That means that ideally we all strengthen our bereavement skills BEFORE we need them. Level up your grief defaults by taking a Basics of Bereavement Support class, or a Caring for Clients through Loss class, BEFORE you need to have already taken it. (These are accredited for continuing education hours through DONA International, so they can also help you prepare for recertification.)
  5. Bereavement support skills apply in any situation of loss, not just the loss of a little one. If someone has a kind of birth they didn’t want, or loses a loved one or coworker during pregnancy, or experiences a life change they weren’t expecting, your bereavement support skills will be immediately applicable and helpful.

Don’t delay on strengthening your instincts and expanding your toolkit. Join us in one of our HCBD Haven Certified Bereavement Doula trainings, or sign up for free tips through our newsletter, today.

Free resource for clients: Bereaved Parents Community Group

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Did you know that there is a free virtual community group that meets monthly, just for parents who have experienced miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant loss?

Every loss parent is warmly and gently invited to join us as we gather for solidarity, ideas-sharing, and presence.

This group is facilitated by Julie McKay and Dr. Abby Jorgensen. We meet on Zoom on the second Monday of each month, at 7pm Central / 8pm Eastern. You can learn more about the group or send your clients to learn more about the group here.

Loss parents, you’re not alone.

Learn more about BPCG

Talking about loss on social media

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As a birthworker, you know that social media is an important part of reaching folks and letting them know what you’re about. But you also know that creating content is a long and tiring process, especially when the content matter is sensitive.

Grief and loss are some of the hardest topics to talk about, especially in spaces such as social media. But, if you want to demonstrate your support of loss families, grief and loss *need* to show up somewhere on your grid or in your feed.

I’ve made two sets of templates to help you post about these difficult but necessary topics. The 2024 Social Media Template includes 34 posts for specific days, weeks, and months throughout the year (all of which can be simply updated with new dates and used again for future years). The October Social Media Template includes 31 posts, one for each day of October (Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month).

2024 Social Media Template
October Social Media Template

A database of children’s books about grief and loss

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When children experience a loss, finding ways to help them understand and cope is a crucial part of the grieving process for families. This is where the power of reading comes in. But, there are many, many children’s books about grief, death, and even perinatal loss. No need to find them all; we’ve reviewed them for you.

We carefully curate our database of children’s books to help you find beautifully written and illustrated stories that will help your family discuss difficult topics of grief, death, and perinatal loss. We have evaluated each listed book on its ability to assist bereaved families (especially older siblings and other children) by offering empathic, accurate, and gentle guidance.

The database includes detailed reviews, ratings, and a description of the content and tone—including note of spiritual or religious perspectives. This information helps parents, bereavement doulas, and other support people quickly find the books that are most likely to help them navigate difficult conversations. Thus, our comprehensive guide stands as your supportive companion through the process of finding the children’s book that best fits your situation and your loved ones or clients.

Access the database here

What does it mean to be grief-informed?

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“Grief-informed” is a term I use to capture two key elements of
someone’s approach toward other people.

(1) This person anticipates that every person in her or his care may have a history of grief and loss.

(2) This person chooses to speak and act in a way that reflects that possibility of grief and loss.

It can also be applied to an organization’s or group’s approach.

Being grief-informed may require a dramatic overhaul for many of us, as society has taught us to ignore, hide, or shy away from conversations about death (especially the death of a child and prenatal death). And at Haven Bereavement Doulas, we are committed to working together to continue that dramatic overhaul, for ourselves and for our communities.

To cite this page, please reference:

Jorgensen, Abigail. “What does it mean to be grief-informed?”. Bereavement Doulas (blog). January 12, 2024.

Mentorship opportunities

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You’re not in this alone.

Whether you’re working toward an HCBD Haven Certified Bereavement Doula certification or not, our team is here to support you.

Looking for support with a bereavement case right now?

Let’s chat. This free, 15-minute consultation is designed to get you connected to the info and resources you need.

Considering taking your bereavement work to the next level?

Book a mentorship call with Dr. Jorgensen, or four calls, and we’ll work through your specific challenges together.