By Julie McKay
The holidays can be a time when grief is more proximate. “Proximate grief” refers to certain times when mourners are in closer contact with their grief (Jorgensen 2024). This could be the time shortly after a loss as well as anniversaries, holidays, and moments when a mourner is reminded of the person they lost. What should we know as support people about loss parenting during the holidays? I have developed a short guide, so we can better companion those we serve.
1. It is ok to take extra space and simplify during the holidays, especially if this is the first set of holidays after a loss.
You may not want to attend some or all holiday events, especially if family members or friends make hurtful comments or are unsupportive in other ways. If you want to attend gatherings and events, it can be helpful to make a plan for who you can call if you need support, how you can get a break (the bathroom, going for a walk, etc.), and how you can take care of yourself.
2. Parenting a child does not end at their death.
While parenting a child who has died will look different from parenting a living child, it is parenting nonetheless. You can incorporate your little one into holiday traditions that you already participate in or create new traditions in honor of your little one.
3. When deciding how to honor your little one in your holiday celebrations, start small and begin with what you already have.
You don’t need to create new traditions; you can incorporate your little one into your already existing traditions. What are some holiday traditions that your family already participates in? If decorating a Christmas tree is an enjoyable tradition, selecting or making an ornament may make sense. Incorporating remembrance of your little one into already existing traditions can make it more accessible and less energy consuming. It is not even necessary to add something on to already existing holiday rituals. Buying the flowers or plants you always buy for the holiday can be done with the intention of, “This is for my son/daughter. I will think of them when I see it in my home.” Baking a traditional dessert can be done with the intention of remembering and honoring. You don’t need to start from scratch to remember your little one in your holiday traditions.
4. If you decide to create new traditions, you may find it helpful to play to your strengths.
If you find crafting stressful and unenjoyable, making a stocking, ornament, or other decoration may not be the best idea. Finding something on Etsy or asking a supportive friend or family member who loves crafting to help may be better options. If you love baking, choosing a new dessert to create to specifically honor you little one may be a wonderful option.
5. Just because you do something this year doesn’t mean you have to do it next year.
And just because you did it last year doesn’t mean you have to do it this year. Needs and capacity can change from year to year. That is normal and to be expected, especially when the holidays bring you into closer contact with your grief. Try to be flexible and gentle with your expectations for yourself and those around you.
I hope this guide helps you better understand parenting after loss during the holiday season. What can we do as grief workers to help support those we serve during the holidays? We can share this guide. We can be a listening ear and help them think through holiday traditions. We can also help parents create a self-care plan and think through what support they’ll need and how they can find it. In addition, a short text on the holidays can be very meaningful. Thank you for your willingness to serve loss families.
